Hyper Halluncinations induced Hysterical karma

FUCK. IT. ALL.

2008-11-26T17:28:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and tired of walking through life surrounded by everything I hate and can change - and I'm sick and tired of waltzing through a world filled with thorns. Why do I not have the common sense to step out of that path? Or at least pluck the thorns from my feet?
I feel like some sort of rejected pariah. I feel like some sort of duked child. And I feel as if I deserve a lot better.
Argumentatively, I don't really make an attempt to be some sort of happy. Perhaps it's because my heart has been completely shattered everywhere I turn. Is it only right that I can somewhat feel a bit jaded and hurt? It that too much to ask for?
I'm sick and tired of all these ... voices! The voices that demand SO much from me, whether it be a teacher, an authority figure, a parent or a friend. Especially my "friends". For fucks sake, only very few would give a shit if I died tomorrow and I'm sure that my "best friends" are just shams. What happened to unity? What happened to compassion?
I feel like a toy someone set down because they got a newer and more improved version. And I'm sorry, but I'm NOT going to stand, sit, lie down, or ultimately take that. I'm not some sort of ... some sort of doormat! Some sort of...trinket!
Perhaps I was right in my motto after Romano dumped me - TRUST NO ONE. Keep your thoughts, your heart, and whatever you believe you need to yourself.
Fine. Call me a dramatist. Call me an actress.
But honestly. Do I not have reasoning behind my words? Is there not some maddening desire that is driving me? And fuck it all, seriously. I'm through with all of this. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.

some of stupid survey?

2008-11-24T18:10:00.000-08:00

Thought I Couldn't Top It, Huh? OVER 2000 Questions! (Truly the Longest!)

Time and date right now:: 11.21.08 (6:52pm)
How far do you want to get?: eh finish it
By the way, someone plagiarized my previous surveys.
=>This or That<=
Pie or cake?: cake
Chocolate or vanilla?: vanilla
Black or white?: racist
Ceiling or floor?: ceiling
Couch or bed?: futon
Cough or sneeze?: neither thnx
On or off?: on plz =]
Closed or open?: lol
Brush or comb?: brush
Long or short?: LONG
Big or small?: BEEEG
Wet or dry?: LOL
Under or over?: under
Top or bottom?: tops with bottoms plz. no nudity (insiders ftl)
Fly or fall?: fall is what i do but I wanna fly bzarch
Smile or frown?: normally smiles recently =]
Tears of joy or tears of sorrow?: normally sorrow?
Hot or cold?: i'm hot nd cold
Warm or cool?: warm
Rough or smooth?: smooth
Cat or dog?: dog
Snake or bird?: LOL
Shark or T-Rex?: SHAAAAAAK
Past or present?: present plz
Science fiction or fantasy?: fantasy
Dull or sharp?: shaaap
Live forever or die young?: die young
Books or television?: books
Jump or skip?: skip
Fast or slow?: combination
Run or walk?: walk
Guy or girl?: i like guys
Disney or Warner Brothers?: warner bros
Belle or Jasmine?: Jasmine plz
Gaston or Cruella Deville?: Cruella Deville
Food or friends?: friends with food =P
Colors or black and white?: blk nd white = classic
Cute or pretty?: pretty
Good or evil?: i don't believe in good or evil
Fruits or vegetables?: veggies
Milk or juice?: juice
Hot chocolate or gingerale?: random
Beer or wine?: neither
Movies or cartoons?: cartoon movies
Pillow or blanket?: blanket wit a pillow?
Moon or stars?: to me he is the moon and all else are stars - when the moon is gone, it seems all else shines brightest, enflaming my eyes. lol
Sky or sea?: sky
Explode or implode?: implode
Tree or flower? (HA. HOW DO YOU LIKE PLAGIARISM NOW? *cough* *ahem* Yeah.): ew
Mountain Dew or Sprite?: sprite
Ketchup or mustard?: ketchup with mustard
Meats or veggies?: both
Straps or strapless?: straps
Water or Gatorade?: water
PS2 or Xbox 360?: neither plz
History or geography?: la storia
Geometry or algebra?: ew
Basketball or volleyball?: volleyball
Basketball or soccer?: ew
Basketball or tennis?: tennis
Basketball or baseball?: baseball
Basketball or football?: no
Basketball or swimming?: no
Volleyball or soccer?: volleyball
Volleyball or tennis?: staaap
Volleyball or baseball?: NO
Volleyball or football?: no
Volleyball or swimming?: no
Soccer or tennis?: no
Soccer or baseball?: no
Soccer or football?: no
Soccer or swimming?: no
Tennis or baseball?: non
Tennis or football?: on
Tennis or swimming?: on
Baseball or football?: ono
Baseball or swimming?: no
Football or swimming?: no
Chinese or Mexican food?: =] mexican with chinese
Red or orange?: orange
Red or yellow?: omigod
Red or green?: nono
Red or blue?: no
Red or indigo?: no
Red or violet?: no
Orange or yellow?: no
Orange or green?: no
Orange or blue?: no
Orange or indigo?: no
Orange or violet?: no
Yellow or green?: n
Yellow or blue?: o
Yellow or indigo?: n
Yellow or violet?: o
Green or blue?: no
Green or indigo?: NOOO
Green or violet?: nooo
Indigo or violet?: nooo
Fall or summer?: fall
Winter or spring?: winter
Rain or snow?: rain
Mud or dirt?: dirt
Snakes or spiders?: spiders
Fido or Fluffy?: ew
Rainbows or stars?: stars
Blue or gray sky?: gray
Prairies or forests?: forests
Lakes or streams?: streams
Fish or caimans?: uh
Roses or daffodils?: daffodils
Bauhaus or Rosetta Stone?: rosetta stone!
Sisters of Mercy or Skinny Puppy?: mercy?
Green Day or Fall Out Boy?: ew
From First to Last or My Chemical Romance?: both plz
The Monkees or The Beatles?: LOL
David Bowie or Billy Idol?: no
Helloween or Skid Row?: no
Britney Spears or Vanessa Carlton?: noooooooooooooooooooo
The Goo Goo Dolls or 3 Doors Down?: lol
Duran Duran or Madonna?: no
John Williams or Danny Elfman?: Elfman ftw
Mozart or Beethoven?: beethoven but mozart was a bit uhm awesome. AMADEUS PLZ
Men at Work or Men Without Hats?: ...
The Arrogant Worms or Voltaire?: sighsigh
Dark Muse or Inkubus Sukkubus?: LOL
Queen or Black Sabbath?: lol
Rush or Pet Shop Boys?: NANANANANA
Johnny Hates Jazz or Deep Blue Something?: lol
Supertramp or Steppenwolf?: I LOVE THE NAMES =]
Enormous mansion or humble abode?: humble abode
Teaspoon or tablespoon?: teaspoon
China plates or crystal figurines?: china plates
Knife or spork?: spork!
Bedroom or basement?: bedroom
Antiques or chrome?: antique chrome
Wide screen televisions or ornately-designed windows?: da windows
Carpet or wood?: carpet?
Blenders or washing machines?: idfk LOL
Pen or pencil?: pencil?
Couch or bed?: futon!
Kitchen sink or bathroom sink?: bathroom?
Diskette or CD Rom?: CDROM BZARCH?
Sitting on the roof with a friend or swimming in your backyard with them?: sittin' on the roof
Phones or AIM?: aim
Pillow or footrest?: pillow
Sharpies or ducks?: duck sharpies
Personality quizzes or story quizzes?: story?
Gaia or Neopets?: ew
Attempting to use proper grammar or purposely butchering language?: both
Having to read the poetry on Quizilla or writing your own?: writing
Roleplaying with strangers or roleplaying with people you know?: wit ppl i noe?
Crying because of an Internet fight or flaming the people involved?: both plz =]
Ignoring a suicide post on a forum or actually doing something about it?: trying to do something
Gold or silver?: silver
Lipstick or lip gloss?: uhm
Sunny or rainy?: rainy cept when it's cold
Edgar Allan Poe or Oscar Wilde?: edgarplz
Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom?: JOHNNY
Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff?: ew
Pringles or Doritos?: pringles lol once u pop u can't staaap
MTV or VHI?: neither
Vampire or mermaid?: vamp mermaids...
The Internet or television?: internet
Romantic comedy or romance tragedy?: romance tragedy
Comedy or drama?: drama
Comedy or horror?: horror
Comedy or fantasy?: fantasy
Law and Order: Criminal Intent or Law and Order: SVU?: SVU
The OC or Laguna Beach? (Why have I succumbed to asking this question?): ew
Blind or deaf?: how about mute?
Blind or mute?: yea mute
Mute or deaf?: ...
Shrimp or crab?: shrimp
Crab or lobster?: lobster
Stickers or stamps?: stickers
VHS or DVD?: no
VHS or CD?: no
CD or DVD?: no
Paris or New York City?: neither
Philadelphia or Chicago?: neither
MySpace or TagWorld?: neither
MySpace or Facebook?: neither
Mall goth or TRUE goth?: never met a real goth so i can't tell you =X
Emo or punk?: emo but real emo
Emo or prep?: emo
Punk or prep?: punk
Punk or goth?: eh
Goth or prep?: they're the same to me
x Your Dreams, Wishes, and Hopes x
If you could be in the arms of anyone at all...: nope
If you could visit anyone or anything in the world...: nope
If you could visit anyone or anything...: ....
If you had functioning wings, would you fly away?: nope
If you met the person you knew you were destined to be with...: marry?
If you could be anything in the world...: happier
If you could, what color would you paint the sky?: violet
How would you help them?: help whom?
If you could write a literary masterpiece...: I would try
If you could cure any disease, what would you cure?: heartache
If you could cure any mental illness, what would you cure?: sanity
If you were to leave on a journey, whom would you take for company?: james
If you could have a superhuman ability, which one would you choose?: invisibility or the power to go back and forth in time
If you could go back in time, what age would you like to go back to?: 12
If you could change anything about your past, what would it be?: a lot
If so, what are they?: ...
Did you ever want to be some type of heroic figure?: not really
Who was your idol when you turned ten?: uhm, tamora pierce
Why?: because i thought she wrote cool
What do you want to be when you get older?: happier, smarter, beautiful, and a writer =]
What do you want your house to look like?: a small italian villa on a hill
What kind of pets do you wish to have?: a small dog
Where would be the ideal place to live?: italy
What do you want to accomplish before you die?: go to italy + write a book + get unconditional love
Do you wish to contribute anything to the world?: my writing
What would that be?: ^^^^^^
Who do you want to be beside right now?: someone worth being
What do wish you could be doing currently?: something worth doing
What do you want to accomplish to-day?: lol
What news do you want to hear right now?: someone out there is worth while
What else do you want to hear to-day?: uhm
Who do you want to talk to currently?: sure
Who do you want to kiss right now?: sure
Who do you want to hug right now?: weird and random, but i just want someone to hold me? nd not romantically or whatever, even a friend would do. just like, a big ass warm hug and an appreciative comment. that would be nice...=X
If you could tell the world just one thing about yourself...: uh
If you could tell the world just one thing about your friends...: some suck, some rock, but they're all worth it
If you could apologize to everyone, what would you say sorry for?: a lot
If you were to give all your thanks to just one person, who would it be?: mommy
Why would you thank them? (244...): uh
What do you look Like?
Height:: 5'3"ish
Weight:: 120ish?
Natural hair color:: dark brown - red highlights
Hairstyle:: curly, chin length, longer in front
Hair length:: chin length?
Is it dyed now?: yea
What color?: it was pink but it faded
Skin color:: caramel
Any freckles?: not really
Birthmarks?: yea
Scars?: yea
Do you have oily, dry, or perfect skin?: oily nd dry
Eye color:: brown
How long are your eyelashes?: not very
Eyebrow length:: wtf?
Eyebrow thickness:: LOL not very
Eyebrow color:: black?
Do wear glasses?: nope
What color are the frames?: lol
The brand:: lol
The brand of the lenses:: lol
Where did you get them at?: lol
Do you wear contacts?: olol
What color do they make your eyes?: ol
What brand are they?: ol
Where did you get them?: ol
How long is your nose?: uhm...
Width:: LOL
What kind is it?: uh patrician?
Shape of lips:: larger lower, giving me a pout, perfect cupid's bow if i do say so myself...
Full or thin?: full
Smile lines?: yea
Frown lines?: yea lol
What kind of chin do you have?: a stubborn
Length of arms:: long?
Width of wrists:: small?
Length of fingers:: medium lololol
Width of fingers:: uh
Do you have big hands?: nar
Length of nails:: short
Flat stomach?: nope
Length of legs:: long
Defining your Personality...
I cherish...: beauty
I enjoy...: writing
My heart is...: ready for the taking
One thing I try not to joke about is...: uhm other ppl's writing for the most part
I believe love...: is unkind
I can be mean when I...: desire or a sometimes unintentionally
I can be nice when I...: try
Sometimes I pretend to be...: happy
I revere...: writers
I seek...: happiness
I try to be...: pretty
I understand that...: i'm not
I vie for...: a lot
I wish...: that things were easier
My Xanadu looks...: LOL
Religious zeal is...: =[ nope
How attractive do you think you are? (Scale: 1-5): 2?
Intelligent?: sometimes
Empathetic?: eh
Polite?: yea
Respectful?: eh
Comical?: eh
Mature?: NO
Unique?: sometimes
Talkative?: sometimes
Depressed?: sometimes
Friendly?: sometimes
Outgoing?: not really
Selfish?: yea
Arrogant?: sometimes
Prudent?: sometimes?
Self-conscious?: yea
How attractive are you thought to be by others?: idunno ask them?
Intelligent?: eh
Empathetic?: eh
Polite?: very?
Respectful?: eh
Comical?: eh
Mature?: eh
Unique?: eh
Talkative?: not very
Depressed?: very
Friendly?: not very
Outgoing?: very for some retarded reason LOL
Selfish?: eh
Arrogant?: eh
Prudent?: eh
Self-conscious?: eh
Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance?: yup
How about your reputation?: eh
Do you care if they consider your personality annoying?: yep
Do you care about what they think of your beliefs?: not really
What does hatred mean to you?: means that you're slightly immature. i don't hate anyone. i hate situations...or things...>.>;
Do you respect yourself?: eh
Would you ever ignore someone who has been emotionally hurt?: if i didn't noe yea? but if i did and i could help, fucks no
Physically?: never if i knew
Would you ever intentionally and physically hurt someone?: i wouldn't every try
Intentionally and emotionally?: sometimes i have
Would you ever hurt someone just for fun?: no
Do the means ever justify the ends? (361!): sometimes?
.Favorites.
Color:: black
Number:: 13
Store:: hawttopiczzz
Book:: eh
Story:: shakespeare...period
Magazine:: eh
Television program?:: eh
Movie:: eh
Series:: eh
Poem:: hmmmm....i love a lot of poetry
Onomatopoeia:: hmm
Verb:: facere - to do
Paradox:: TIME PARADOX!
Idiom:: lol im not sure
Noun:: noun in general.
Adjective:: pulchra - beautiful
Adverb:: uhm...idunno
Work of fantasy:: tamora pierce plz
Classic work:: shakespeare!
Contemporary work:: lol uhm
Writer:: hmm
Fairy tale:: cinderella plz
Dictionary brand:: websters?
Summer scene:: idfk
Winter scene:: idfk
Spring scene:: idfk
Fall scene:: when the leaves are on the grounds and they're wet so they stain sidewalks?
Season:: autumn
Planet:: uranus
Space feature:: moon
Thing about summer:: relaxation
Thing about winter:: beauty
Thing about spring:: smells
Thing about fall:: beginning
Mammal:: cow roflmao
Insect:: uh
Arachnid:: tarantula =X
Fish:: ew
Reptile:: snakes ...?
Amphibian:: froggies!
Science:: ew
Thing to do during summer:: sleep
Type of weather:: rainy
Bird:: ravens...crows
Thing to do during winter:: cuddle
Thing to do during spring:: chill
Thing to do during fall:: walk
Nature sound:: the crickets
Country:: italy?
Real location:: ITALY
City:: lol
Culture:: italian? greek? roman?
State:: mass?
Province:: THIS province
Island:: hawaii?
Landscape:: broken ones
Place to go in your neighborhood:: cemetery no lie lol
Italian food:: all
Mexican:: tacos?
Indian:: uh
Chinese:: lo mein
American:: ....
French:: ew
Snack:: craisins
Pasta:: uh
Desert:: arizona? lol idfk
Ice cream flavor:: blk raspberry
Soup:: soup
Salad:: salad
Pancake:: ack
Restaurant:: ack
Fruit:: pomegranates nd like apricots nd necterines
Vegetable:: uh
Dinner:: food
Lunch:: lunch
Breakfast:: skillets!
Cereal:: cheerios?
Pop tart:: raspberry?
Candy:: sour patch kids
Artificial flavor:: awl
Cookie:: oreo?
Yogurt:: ew
Clothing store:: idfk
Outfit:: lol
Shoe:: conversos or my DVS
Shirt design:: uhm
Brand name:: lol
Top:: corset ftl
Pants:: skinnay jeans?
Skirt:: ew
Pair of socks:: kneehighs
Color [of clothing]:: black mostly or pink/purple?
Subject in school:: ela
Unisex name:: hmm...Alex?
Music:: melodic metal/screamo/poetic
Tree:: weeping willows
Flower:: uhm
Quote:: a lot
Scent:: raspberries, pomegranates, and amber
Adage:: idunno
Television channel:: the italian channel
Day of the week:: thursday
Perfume:: same as scent plz
Radio station:: zumix...fail
Cologne:: coffee....a guy that smells like coffee = smex?
Sound:: music
Feeling:: giddiness
Emotion:: glee
Emotion [to feel]:: loved
Song:: a few
Music artist:: alesana/chiodos/from autumn to ashes/underoath
Month:: january and october
Religious holiday:: christmas just for the vacation
Fun holiday:: uhm
Obscure holiday:: eh
Videogame:: eh
Computer game:: eh
Sport:: eh
Athlete:: RAFAEL NADAL!
Instrument:: violin? guitar?
Composer:: hmm
Singer:: hmm...i love the voice of a lot of artists....but when the guy from alesana sings -melts-
CD:: mindi abair - come as you are
Website:: yourmom.com
Word:: wit
Famous quote:: hmm
Famous adage:: hmm
Slogan:: LOL
Commercial:: uh
Shampoo:: uh
Conditioner:: uh
Body wash:: my old sensual amber bath nd body words thing...>.>; -sighs-
Soap:: ^^
(25.1% done.) Lotion:: ^^^
x__Odd Questions__x
What color is the bottom of your tongue?: bluish pink? idfk
Your foot?: pink
Do you have any medical problems concerning feet?: nope
Do you secretly fantasize about George W. Bush?: EW
Do you chew on your homework?: lol
Pencils?: sometimes
Do you read the dictionary?: sometimes
Encyclopedia?: not really
Atlas?: ew
Road map?: ew
Do you memorize random facts?: sometimes
Do you stalk anyone?: nope
Does anyone stalk you?: idunno? maybe kevin LOL
Do you collect dust?: LOL
Lint?: no
Baby teeth?: mom used to
Have you ever thought of becoming a prostitute?: yep
Do you wish prostitution was legal?: nope
Do you use lotion on your feet?: yep
Do you have problems with Canadians?: YESH ... they're too hawt for their own gweds =D
Mexicans?: nope
Americans?: yep
The French?: yep
The English?: nope
Have you ever played a kazoo?: yep
Have you ever shot someone?: nope
Something?: NO
How many pairs of underwear do you own?: a lot?
Jeans?: like 5? lol
What ring size are you?: 8?
Belt size?: idunno actually
Have you ever gotten anything amputated?: yes. my tail
Do you have a calendar from 2001 hanging in your room?: no
Do you eat a lot?: sometimes
Do you get excited over cameras?: no
Do you have a strange obsession with pickles?: yes LOL
Poison?: ...no?
Knives?: yea
Cheese?: ...-.-
Penguins?: not really
Bald people?: no
Scrawny African children?: LOL
Midgets?: no
Pirates?: YESH
Corny jokes?: yea
Are you a virgin?: yea
Are you a hermaphrodite?: no
Have you ever tied your tooth to a door to lose it?: LOL nonono
Do you bite yourself?: sometimes
Cut yourself?: no
Do you get cold sores often?: no herpes
Do you have a cold right now?: no
Do you suffer from chronic migraines?: no
Do you like to touch sharp objects?: yea
Do you have a twitching problem?: wen i'm hyper
Are you homicidal?: nope
What do you do on the computer?: nothing surprisingly
Anything your parents should know about?: ....
Are you happy with your life?: eh
Is everybody else happy with your life?: idunno?
Do you like 100% white grape juice?: ew
How big is the universe?: beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg
How many hours of sleep do you get every night?: not enough
What do you dream about?: stupid things
Anything your parents should know about?: LOL
Do you fall for Internet advertisements?: nah
Do you enjoy bungee jumping?: i want to
Do you have AIM?: yea
MSN?: yea
YIM?: no
A Neopets account?: no
A Vampirefreaks account?: no
A Quizilla account?: yea?
A Bzoink account?: yea
Do you watch bugs crawl on the floor?: sometimes but not like tom sawyer plz
Do you follow the bugs that crawl on the floor?: ...no
Do you get attacked by ladybugs?: yea LOL
Are you scared of everything that breathes?: no
Are you scared of anything at all?: yea
What?: dying alone, losing myself, becoming someone i don't want to be, being stuck in a small dark place by myself for a long period of time, uhm, dying without a life worth while
Which cardinal direction do you like best?: uh...the west? idfk
Do you have a life?: yea
Then why are you taking this?: ...fuck u
Do you have a microphone on your computer?: no
A webcam?: not rly
A scanner?: no
A printer?: yea
A cordless mouse?: no
Does your mouse light up?: yea
What kind of computer do you have?: dell
Were you ever physically abused?: yea
Verbally?: yea
Sexually?: no
Do you wish you were a fish?: yea
A cat?: no
A dog?: yea
Do you have a cell phone?: yea
What kind is it?: motorola
Do you weasel out of things?: sometimes
Do your teachers like you?: eh
Do your parents like you?: i guess my mom does...>.>;
Do your siblings like you?: eh
Does karma, if it exists, love you?: NO
Did you have a tail when you were born?: yep
Do you enjoy school?: sometimes
Are you a packrat?: lol =D
Do you know HTML or CSS?: some html
Do you find yourself chewing on anything your fingers have touched?: NO
Do you shy away from social situations?: yea
Are you obsessed with shiny things?: yea
Are you at least attracted to them?: ....
Do you smash guitars or any other type of instrument?: no
Do you label other people?: yea
Are you proud of doing so? (Question #620.): nope
So. How bad can I make you look?: hmm?
Do you wash your hands frequently?: nope
Do you wet the bed?: nope
What age did you stop?: uh like 2?
Do you lie a lot?: on big things like i'll get in trouble
Have you lied at all in this survey?: nope
Do you forget to brush your teeth frequently?: not really
Do you brush your hair?: yea
Do you use antismelly?: no
Are you an alcoholic?: no
A druggie?: no
Do you drink illegally?: no
Do you wear underwear?: yea
Do you change it frequently?: yea
Are you a coward?: yea
A loser?: sometimes
An idiot?: sometimes
Do you text talk?: no
Are you a bad friend?: sometimes
Are you untrustworthy?: eh
Unreliable?: no
Do you pick your nose?: no
Are you imperfect?: yea
Ugly?: eh not really?
Do you have bad hair?: no
A big nose?: not really
Are you shallow?: eh
Greedy?: sometimes
Do you tell people you love them just to get what you want?: no
Do you have any /important/ talents?: eh..
Are you impolite?:
Disrespectful?: not really
Sadistic?: LOL
Are you a pansy?: yessir
Are you a conformist?: not really
A fan of George W. Bush?: not really
Do you have buck teeth?: no
Acne?: somewhat but not really
Mentall illnesses?: nooo
Are you fake?: noope
Does your breath smell?: not at the moment
Do you have a strong body odor?: NO
Do you have bad teeth?: noo
Are you overweight?: somewhat?
Anorexic?: noo
Bulimic?: lol no
Do you have a piercing in an inappropriate spot on your body?: nope
A tattoo?: noo
Are you a wannabe?: no
Do you get bad grades?: no
Are you a bad guesser?: yea
Are you slow?: no
Are you bad at reading people?: sometimes
Are you too nice for your own good?: sometimes
Do you have a lot of friends?: somewhat
Do you give in easily?: yea
Are you stubborn?: very
Are you annoying?: sometimes?
Are you a necrophilliac?: YES?
Are you incestuous?: noooooo!
Is your room messy?: yea
Do you make fun of other people?: yea
Do you respect your body?: yea
Are you arrogant?: yea
Do you have low self-esteem?: yea
Are you unique?: yea?
Are your hands clammy?: no
Are you short?: yea
Are you freakishly tall?: no
Do you like Simple Plan?: yea? sometimes. lol
=>Beliefs<=
Do you believe in the Christian God?: no
Do you believe in magic?: no
True love?: no
Heaven?: no
Hell?: no
Satan?: no
The Lord and Lady?: no
The Goddess?: no
The Greek Gods or Goddesses?: no
The Pagan Gods or Goddesses?: no
Are you an atheist?: no
Agnostic?: no
Do you believe in fairies?: no
Dragons?: no
Unicorns?: no
Gollums?: no
Santa?: no
The Easter Bunny?: no
The Tooth Fairy?: no
Pixies?: no
Phoenixes?: no
Elves?: no
Dwarves?: no
Mermaids?: no
Karma?: to a point
Immortality?: no
Do you believe in the Aztec Gods?: no
Mayan Gods?: no
Incan Gods?: no
Do you believe that each different belief creates a new reality?: no
Do you believe in life on other planets?: yea
Do you believe in the Xqoaest?: no
Do you believe in parallel universes?: no
Do you believe that black holes are time portals?: no
Do you believe in Eternity?: no
Do you believe in evolution?: yea
Do you believe in life after death?: no
What happens to us after we die?: we...die. the. end.
Do you believe in superheroes?: no
Super villains?: no
Do you believe in Fate?: no
That everything has a purpose?: no
Do you believe that everything revolves around money?: eh not really
Sex?: more so
Love?: yea
Success?: yea
Making yourself happy?: yea
Making others happy?: yea
Religion?: yea
Politics?: yea
Do you believe in miracles?: no
Angels?: no
Demons?: no
Ghosts?: no
Do you believe in true, selfless happiness?: nope
Do you believe in selfessness at all?: nope
Do you believe that wishing for something can make it happen?: no
Do you believe that anything can happen?: no
Name:: patricia
Age:: wise
Gender:: female
Nicknames:: tricia
Aliases:: trixie
What made you choose them?: uhm
If you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?: Griffin
Think of the situation above. What would you want your name to be?: Griffin
If you had a choice, would you drop your last name?: Wise?
What heritage does your first name imply?: irish roflmao
What heritage does your middle name imply?: irish
What heritage does your last name imply?: german?
Place of birth:: china town

Date of birth:: january 18th
Nationality:: don't make me go there
Were you named after anyone?: yea
Who?: don't make me go there
What side of the family does your name come from?: ...
Did your parents immigrate?: ...
How about your grandparents?: ...
Your great grandparents?: ..
Further back into your family?: .
Where did they emmigrate from?: ..
Where did they immigrate to?: .
How old are your parents?: .
Do you have any siblings?: .
How old are they?: .
What are their names?: ..
Do you get along with your family?: .
Do you wish they were different?: .
Were you ever abused by any member of your family?: .
Were you ever betrayed by a member of your family?: .
Did your family ever disown any other member of your family?: .
If so, why?: .
Who do you get along with most? (792!): .
...The Ideal Mate
Hair color:: dark
Hair length:: chin?
Hairstyle:: straight nd emo or curly
Eye color:: green nd hazel
Skin color:: warm
Any makeup?:: LOL nooo but eyeliner once and a while? yummy
Clothing style:: emo/goth/punk/laid back
Shy or outgoing?:: outgoing but won't get frustrated when i'm shy?
Happy or depressed?:: happy but can understand depression
Funny or serious?:: funny but understands how to be serious
Abusive or kind?:: kind duh
Respectful or perverted?:: respectful but can be privately perverted ;]
Completely describe their personality:: amazingness
This is another space if you need it:: roflmao
Ideal height:: about a foot taller than me?
Ideal weight:: idunno bigger than me and not skinny emo ack
Body type:: warm. not like heavily muscled but like, i can lie on and feel comfortable? ROFL not in a sex way tho!
Completely describe their appearance:: perfect
This is another space if you need it:: lol
Masochistic or sadistic?:: masochistic
Conformist or nonconformist?:: noncomformist but not to the point he wears a helmet
Artistic or athletic?: artistic
Intellectual or unintelligent?: intellectual plz?
Complex or simple?: complex and simple?
What would their hobbies be?: perfection
Interests?: music, reading i guess? guy stuff? idunno i don't want a guy exactly like me. that'd be awkward
Obsessions: me =]
Would they hug you often?: yesplz
Kiss you often?: not like rape but once and a while?
Would they frequently tell you that they loved you?: YES =P
Have you already found your ideal mate?: nope still searching
Are you in love?: nooo
What will you do together?: ...uhm
Your ideal date:: wherever he takes me is perfect
Your ideal wedding:: as long as he's there?
How many kids?: 138542502498758274903826574289571340398482375098237509824768247520349582672030921709273582750275823701792705230957 thnxplz
What will their names be?: i think i'll just call them numbers...there aren't enough names
What do you think they would look like?: like me+him?
Will you even have kids?: hopefully not for a whileplz
If not, why?: LOL
Will you even get married?: maybe
If not, why?:
Are you taken or single?: singuhlll
.:Dislikes:.
Least favorite color:: eh
Animal:: rats? rodents?
Number:: 1
President:: bushplz
Actor:: idunno
Actress:: like everyone?
Director:: LOL
Celebrity:: ugh like everyone on disney + some
Artist:: mostly everyone who's wicked populars
Illustrator:: idunno
Poet:: crappy ones
Writer:: stephenie meyer -.-
Band:: uhm
Musician:: .....
Singer:: .
Food:: .
Fruit:: .
Vegetable:: .
Candy:: .
Drupe:: .
Candy bar:: .
Brand of chocolate:: .
Skittles flavor:: .
Month:: .
Year:: .
Decade:: .
Decade:: .
Millenium:: .
Era:: .
Time period:: .
Battle of the Civil War:: .
War:: .
Battle of WWII:: .
Battle of American Revolution:: .
Genius:: .
Genus of plant:: .
Flower:: .
Tree:: .
Hair color::
Eye color:: .
Fairy tale:: .
Disney princess:: .
Disney villain:: .
Disney prince:: ..
Movie character::
Play character:: .
Book character:: .
Musical character:: .
Play:: .
Musical:: .
Person:: ..
Brand of cereal:: .
Brand of battery:: .
Mental illness::
Medication:: ..
Serial killer:: .
Poison:: .
Type of sword:: .
Type of gun:: .
Toothpaste brand:: ..
Scent:: .
Type of knife:: ..
Taste:: .
Sound:: .
Article of clothing:: .
What do you think of...
Ugly people?: they're okay?
Pretty people?: they're pretty?
Bald people?: LOL
Scrawny African children?: go eat food and not be scrawny?
Religion?: it's too complex
Politics?: fuck it
Abortion?: it's not birth control. but it should be legal
Church?: fuck it
Separation of church and state?: gey
Blondes?: whore
Brunettes?: awesome
Redheads?: amazing
Mainstream rock?: gey
Abercrombie?: geyer
Pop music?: geyest
Classic rock?: mad dope
Roleplaying?: fun =]
Emo music?: as long as it's not cliche
The emo trend?: eh
Ignorance?: bliss
Stupidity?: bliss?
Mental retardation?: sad but real
My friend, Kcaiyettlyinnee?: ...uhm
Friends?: awesome?
Disrespect?: fuck it
Immaturity?: ridiculous
Republicans?: dumb
Democrats?: dumb
George W. Bush?: dumber
Your mom? (OH, BURN. xD): LOL -burned-
My mom?: fucked it
Me?: fuck it
This survey?: fuck it
Dry walls?: LOL?
Painted walls?: sweet
Drugs?: bad
Alcohol?: bad
Prostitution?: bad
Premarital sex?: bad
Teenage sex?: bad
People?: bad
Homosexuality?: awesome?
Bisexuality?: go for it?
Heterosexuality?: thaz meeee
Your classmates?: gey
Your co-workers?: gey?
Your job?: i don't have one LOL
Your abilities?: to do what?
Yourself?: okay
Your school?: okay
Your family?: ...okay
My family?: idunno
Your mental health?: LOL
My mental health?: ...fuck it?
Falling asleep holding a stuffed animal?: i do that still LOL
Your life?: lame
My life? (What life?): ...yea what life?
The color green?: cool
Pickles?: loool
Food?: yummy
Electricity?: shocking
Niagra falls?: i always think of viagra
Cataracts?: bad? idfk
Bridges?: cool?
Braces?: gey
Dictionaries?: quality reading lolidunno
Television?: goo?
Fairy tales?: sucky
Hollywood?: roflmao
MTV?: roflmao
.x.Currently.x.
What are you feeling?:
Smelling?:
Seeing?:
Hearing?:
Doing?:
Who are you talking to online?:
On the phone?:
What room of the house are you in?:
Are you cold?:
Bored?:
Warm?:
Hot?:
Do you look nice?:
What are you wearing?:
Are you eating anything?:
Drinking anything?:
BMI?:
What brand of shoes are you wearing?:
What are you wishing for?:
What are you worried about?:
Sad about?:
Happy about?:
Angry about?:
Serious about?:
Laughing about?:
Talking about?:
Typing about?:
Are you IMing anyone?:
.o.Friends.o.
Who are your friends?:
Your best friends?:
Who do you hang out with most?:
Who do you treat the best?:
Who treats you the best?:
Do you even have friends?:
If so, why are you taking this survey?:
The smart one?:
The depressed one?:
The punk?:
The goth?:
The prep?:
The jock?:
The outcast?:
The stupid one?:
The one who you think will kill someone one day?:
The annoying one?:
The hyper one?:
The oblivious one?:
The romantic?:
The content one?:
The pervert?:
The liar?:
The cheapskate?:
The ominous one?:
The disrespectful one?:
The abusive one?:
The hot one?:
The ugly one?:
The one that hates you?:
The one you hate but hang out with anyway?:
The back-up one?:
The fighter?:
The lover?:
The hippie?:
The druggie?:
The alcoholic?:
The one that is most likely to be in jail?:
The most likely to be murdered?:
The most likely to be committed to a mental hospital?:
The most likely to stay there forever?:
The normal one?:
The conformist?:
The nonconformist?:
The masochistic one?:
The sadistic one?:
The weird one?:
The musical one?:
The artistic one?:
The perfect one?:
The literary genius?:
The fugitive?:
The juvenille delinquint?:
The Jewish one?:
The Christian one?:
The Buddhist one?:
The Muslim one?:
The Hindu one?:
The Catholic one?:
The Wiccan one?:
The atheist?:
The agnostic?:
The cutter?:
The anorexic one?:
The bulimic one?:
The skinny one?:
The thin one?:
The fat one?:
The obese one?:
The Satanic one?:

Have you Ever...
Gone on a cruise?: never
Beaten someone up?: yup
Been beaten up?: not that i remember
Bullied someone?: yup
Been bullied?: sorta?
Attempted suicide?: yea
Attempted murder?: no
Nearly died?: yea
Broken the law?: yea
Stolen something?: yea
Had an abortion?: no
Known the president?: LOL no
Had an affair with the president?: ...no
Met a famous person?: yea
Had an affair?: no
Been out of the country?: no
Out of state?: no
Out of your town?: yea
Written a poem?: yes...allpoetry.com/hisxlastxregret =D
A story?: yep
A novel?: no
A song?: yea
Gotten published?: no
Written a love poem?: yea...allpoetry.com/hisxlastxregret =D
Novel?: no
Song?: yea
Said that you hated the world?: yep
Finished school?: nope
Flunked a grade?: no...
Flunked a grade?: no...
Flunked a subject?: yea
Read a book for enjoyment?: yea
Bungee jumped?: i wanna
Skydived?: i wanna
Danced?: yea
Been to a dance?: yea
Scuba dived?: i wanna
Broken a bone?: no
Gotten a nose bleed?: yea
Had an orgasm?: ...no
Suffered from psychosis?: nope
Wished you could get away with something?: yea
Thought of killing someone?: yea
Thought of killing yourself?: yea
Saved your own?: yea
Gone to the beach?: yea
Gone fishing?: no
Gone to an island?: yea
Died in a dream?: yea
Had a dream that came true?: yea
Kissed someone in the rain?: yea
Gotten pregnant?: no
Eaten calamari?: yea
Lobster?: yea
Helped anybody during the holidays?: yea
Helped a stranger?: yea
Kissed a stranger?: no
Hugged a stranger?: yea? perhaps? idunno lol
Can You...
Kiss your elbow?: no
Touch your nose with your tongue?: if i try very hard?
Stick your fist in your mouth?: no
Touch your toes?: yea
Give away money?:: no
Marry a family member?: noooooo
Hire an assassin?: if i wanted to?
Stay up all night?: yea
Stay up for /ten/ nights?: ...perhaps? i never tried
Finish this survey?: yea
Swim?: not really
Draw well?: not really
Sing well?: not realy
Write well?: yea
Eat a box of chocolates in an hour?: yea
Eat an entire package of Oreos in a half an hour?: noo
Without milk?: noo
Predict the future?: nope...unless it's obvious
Would you Ever...
Sacrifice everything for a friend?: yea
A lover?: ...did that
Give your life for a friend?: yea
A lover?: ...did that
Lie to a friend?: if i had to?
Lie to your parents?: if i had to?
Lie to a lover?: if i had to?
Steal from your parents?: ...no
Hug them in public?: yea
Blow up your house?: NO
Abuse someone?: no
Use someone?: no?
Recommend this survey to a friend?: no LOL
Would you ever Be...
A fireman?: no
Policeman?: no
Serial killer?: perhaps?
Doctor?: maybe?
Surgeon?: no
Prostitute?: no
Playboy model?: no
Writer?: yea
Artist?: no
Musician?: maybe? lol
Assassin?: YESH
Ninja?: OMIGOD I R NINJA BITCH
Soldier?: no
President?: no
Darth Vader?: yeshplz
Pilot?: no
Mortician?: lol sure?
Forensic scientist?: ...no
Detective?: yeshhh like in CSI
Lawyer?: i could?
Drug-dealer?: no
Pirate?: YESH
Box-carrier?: no
Store clerk?: perhaps?
Banker?: no
Criminal?: maybe =D
Target?: no
Professional wrestler?: no
Tennis player?: no
Rapper?: no
Country singer?: no
Pop star?: no
Actor?: no
Plastic surgeon?: no
Why...
Is the sky blue?: idunno
Is the world round?: idunno
Is the world unfair?: idunno
Are most people selfish?: idunno
Impolite?: idunno
Disrespectful?: idunno
Conforming?: idunno
Are there religions?: idunno
Theories?: idunno
Opinions?: idunno
Are humans so intelligent?: idunno
Do we need air?: idunno
Do we age?: idunno
Do we die?: idunno?
Is there cheddar cheese in the world?: idunno
Swiss?: idunno
American?: idunno
Are you taking this?: idunno
When was the last time...
You brushed your teeth?: this morning
Took a shower?: last nite
Ate?: few hours
Drank?: uhm, idunno rite now?
Drank an alcoholic beverage?: ew like a year ago
Took a pill?: uhm
Smoked?: a loooooong time ago
You got your photograph taken?: a while ago
You got caught doing something bad?: pssh
Dyed your hair?: day before school
Hurt someone physically?: uhm
Hurt someone emotionally?: idunno
Did your homework?: earlier
Hung out with your friends?: uhm...hmm
Got drunk?: idunno
Said a good-by to someone?: uh
Greeted someone?: a while ago?
Took a survey?: rite now
Won a contest?: uh
Went out on a date?: ...my god i'm way overdue
=>Word Association<=
Bed.: sleep
Curtains.: closed
Lights.: on
Music.: awesome
Candles.: sexy
Closet.: gey
Door.: open
Window.: closed
Onomotapoeia.: long word
Dog.: cat
Cat.: dog
Egypt.: pyramids
Corey.: gey
Mirror.: lame
Case.: latin
Cage.: bird
Cave.: man
Nutella.: nutella? lol
Bird.: cat
Bear.: big
Death.: life
Life.: death
White.: black
Black.: white LOL
Personality.: ideals
Pickle.: vibrator
Dilemna.: degrassi
Love.: death
Liberal.: gay
Conservative.: lame
Ball.: sack
Moderate.: a lot
Inept.: smart
Even more strange Questions
If you could create the world, would you make it a triangle or a square?: square
Do you find yourself frequently sounding like Donald Duck with a migraine?: ...no
Estimating, how many pieces of lined paper have you used this year?: not sure but a lot
If you were a pen, what kind of pen would you be? (Be specific.): a pink one? idunno LOL
If you were a pencil, what kind of pencil would you be?: ...number 3?
What is your favorite thing to highlight?: ...highlighterstuff?
What number can you relate to the most?: uh...like 4 because it looks the most retarded?
What would you do if you were a spider?: make webs
A chicken?: get eaten by black ppl
A goose?: shit on the sidewalk
An anteater?: eat ants?
If you were a pirate, which sea would you sail?: somalia! bitch
Would you rather sell your life or gamble it away?: gamble
If you could pay anyone in the world to be your friend, who would it be?: no one
Do you think that Bigfoot is really fighting with aliens?: perhaps
Do you believe tabloids?: no
If you were a tabloid, would you believe in yourself?: nope i'd have issues
Why do you believe tabloids?: no
Why do you not believe tabloids?: no
Estimating, how many different tabloids are there?: no
Who do you think is the best Disney supporting actor?: gey
Does citrus acid make you happy?: no
On the HB scale, what is your favorite lead?: 2?
Do you think PLAGIARISTS should die long and horrible deaths?: no

Trying to Make James Happy

2008-11-23T18:41:00.000-08:00
And so our most hated heroine embarks upon the most depressing emotion she has felt in a long time.
A sour feeling of helplessness.
It hurts everytime I see something I can't fix - a smile I can't give, a hug I can't give, ultimately, if I can't change something. It's so ... INFURIATING! Words seem to fall out of my mouth choppy and retarded and ... pointless!
However...I've realized, the most simple changes, the smallest most insignificant word I say, with the most emotion I put behind it, I can make that smile, I can somehow express that hug. And I can ultimately make that change.
And to me, that's everything I want.

A Fault Line, A Fault of Mine

2008-11-19T15:49:00.000-08:00
Underoath is addictive, hence the wonderfully witty and somewhat plaguristic title of this entry.
Gah. I feel like my head is empty. I don't like the feeling - it's highly uncomfortable. I don't like feeling like, idunno I'm completely numb.
It's strange.
What's stranger is that I don't feel myself lusting after him anymore, (lets pray I didn't just jinx my chances of finally getting over him.) It was as if I finally came out of my cast, as if the broken bones healed.
It left me strangely baron, as if there was nothing to fill the empty space that my love and hope and desire once fit. I can't even dream abotu him so my dreams have just come in a jumble of pictures and colors.
i just want someone to hold me please?

2008-11-15T15:14:00.003-08:00
So. What is there to really confide? Hmmm...
Idunno.
Idunno anything.
I won't ever know anything.
Doesn't that sadden you?

Promises, Promises

2008-11-11T14:46:00.000-08:00
I've wondered sometimes why things happen - is there like, some sort of reason why all of these events occur or is there some sort of higher being in charge of making my life suck?
What a douche bag if there really is.
My grandmother is finally returning home Thursday and I can't help but feel aggravated already - I really don't want her back. And it isn't because I don't love her because that's not true. We just can't do anything for her here. It's as if we're just dragging out her death. It's ridiculous.
The rest of my life is pretty much repetitive bullshit. I mean seriously, what else am I supposed to do at the wonderful age of teenagedom (coughcough).
So I sit around, put on weight, and memorize the lyrics of my favorite song. Isn't that supercalifragilisticexpealidocious?
I thought not >.>;
It seems as if the world has just slowed down for October-Novemeber. Perhaps it's because I'm not awaiting anything - perhaps it's just I don't care anymore. I don't have much to wake up to - I don't have anything to actually feel anxious for. I feel numb. I feel like the world has shunned me.
And I don't do a goddamn thing to change it.
I've fallen so thickly into a comfort zone it's not even funny.
I'm just hoping that no one is going to rock my boat without my awareness. I'm pretty sure that I'll drown.

2008-10-29T14:48:00.000-07:00
SOMEHOW...
things will get better in time...

Una

2008-10-17T18:36:00.001-07:00
ugh. today was so retardedly epic it's sad. lol.
actually it was a long, boring day of me being wicked proactive and like,
DUN DUN DAAA
organizing. gah right? loool
i organized like awl my binders, finished my homework, typed up more work extracurricularly, worked on my project which is due like weeks from now, and even updated my allpoetry site so i don't have to for a while...
ew
and now i'm going to diet and get awl actively. i'm going to wake up early tomorrow and take a walk -snort- and i'm supposed to be a on a diet, like three square meals a day and a snack bar for ONE snack.
ewx2
this is repulsing me, lol.
i think that i'm just trying to like, build up my confidence so that when i go and blow 392856924865498635906835 dollars on a freakin' corset (yes, hot topic owns) i don't A, feel fat or B, feel like i wasted money.
isn't that spectacular.
the harder i work the more i don't feel like i wasted my money and the happier i am overall. i think that the harder i attempt to fool myself the easier I'll be fooled.
who knows, maybe it'll work for once?
speaking of fooling myself,
gah
you know how they say that you never get over your first love? ew. i hate that. i wish that i never did like, fall in love, because i don't want to feel like i belong to someone who doesn't even fucking want me continuing to BREATHE. do you know how much it hurts to know he doesn't even acknowledge me and that basically it's MY fault right? I told him i didn't want to be friends because i'm not going to suffer through that. i can't pretend. i've never been a good actress. and so if i can't pretend and put on a smile for him, how will that make him feel (saying that he would give a damn if i decided to jump off a building nyway...he didn't really take me srsly when i told him i wanted to kill myself....dumb fucker >.>;)?
but that's just become a small little melodrama that appears only when he walks by, or someone mentions him in front of me. i wish everyone would just forget about him.
like they did about me.
or maybe i should just forget?
but how do u forget images that are printed behind your eyelids? blink and u see it. sleep and you see it. it's maddening after a while.
whatever. pssh. when i go and drop off awl this stupid weight i'll be one hot mama and have the men at my feet.
wow how shallow did that sound for a moment?
speaking of shallow....
i didn't even have a real thought held behind that after all
hehe
just felt like inserting that right here.
grandmother's still in rehab. not that i mind. i mean, i think it's better off this way, even though i feel for her. if i was in her position i would have killed myself a long time ago. why should anyone suffer this much unnessecarily? i've always believed in doctor death's practice - if you're going to die shortly, why delay it?
and then the sick little voice in my head pipes in. because we love her.
it's true, i do love her. for fucks sake she's my grandmother but i just can't take it anymore. i can't even cry at the prospect of losing my GRANDMOTHER the woman who partly RAISED ME anymore because she's already almost died...-begins counting on fingers and loses count...-
FUCK I KNOW AT LEAST 29q4295-96420425 doctors!
ahhh!
the only part that is going to eventually bother me is the fact that my mother/grandfather are going to take this really hard and i don't think i can deal with their depression. i love them to death - i can't see them hurt.
ugh.
lame.
i wish i could just have some sort of stable shoulder to lie on, someone i can just tell all this to and not be judged....not a pity story. someone who doesn't think i'm crazy, LOL. someone who would take walks with me and would totally diet with me.
maybe i just need an uber best friend.
maybe i just need stability.
maybe i just need a guy in my life who won't just walk out on me anymore....
my mom has been blaming herself for that fact. looking as it from a psychiatrist's (or however you spell it) perspective, this isn't abnormal. my father was an abusive asshole son of a bitch who walked out on my mom numerous times before she walked out on him. ever since she's been dating on and off with all these guys overseas. i would hardly know them before they were gone and i was expected to call them daddy and invite them into my lives as the stranger on the phone who one day would take me away from this damned house and would live happily ever after with. ew. she would give them money and the world in a heart shaped box and eventually they would mail it back to her smelling of female perfume. and the circle danced around and around. eventually she found future step-dad. and to be honest, he's okay. i think she deserves better. she always will deserve better because she's my mother ffs. he's annoying and sometimes i don't want him around me and i would prefer if he didn't want to be my father.
see how this makes sense?
so when i go ass over head over face over heels in love with someone what do i do?
here's my checklist:
1. fall in love (duh.)
2. give up everything for this guy because obviously you're a FUCKING IDIOT YOU DUMB BITCH
ahem.
3. eventually push guy away
4. realize that you threw out friends/family for this guy
5. friends/fam dumps you
6. guy dumps you
7. you scramble to pick up the pieces. beg everyone for their forgiveness
cept
the words never come out right
anger mixes with depression with loneliness and sadness and it chokes out into these bipolar words that don't even sound like you and suddenly guy thinks you should see a shrink.
you know you're not crazy, everyone else knows this, but your lips say something else. you're so sad, can't even cry, feel so broken. and you wanna just hide your face into the warmth of his neck and say that you had a bad nightmare and to ask him to fix you again but he can't anymore.
unlike him, friends and family (the good kind of course) are there to pick you up and shake off the dust and say you're okay.
but you're really not so you pretend anyway.
and tada. step 8.
you're here with regrets wondering what you did wrong.
he never said why.
neither of them did.
but only one really mattered
so you fool yourself into thinking.
idk.
idk.
idk,
IDK.
>.>;
and i would love to meet someone who did.
-----

wicked long rant i felt like adding here so people understand where the hell i'm coming from in my recent spurts of insanity, lol

2008-10-13T12:49:00.000-07:00
....oyvey....the strangest thing occured to me at this moment.
how many people have i hurt online by vocalizing, or in this case, typing, out rants or emotions because i'm mad, or venting, or just simply trying to pass the time?and then.in the same breath.
how many people have hurt ME online by LYING...CHEATING...GOSSIPING...RANTING...by completely throwing me off balance, virtually beating me in the face with a club?
and how come no one seems to take this food for thought when they read what I write anymore? do people actually believe that I'm just random? no. I'm not fucking random. I just have a wicked long fuse to the ticking bomb in the back of my mind. This is why I'm quiet, why it takes me five years to cry over something, why I laugh in the middle of silence at something stupid that happened a week ago, tho that statement has been recklessly abused by stupid ppl.
you know what really hurts? explainations.
i feel as if I have to explain myself so many fucking times and the sad reality is the people who know me, who think they know me, know shit about me in actuallity. they assume. and when i offer that explaination they turn me away.
what's the point?
srsly.
if you don't get what i'm saying don't even bother getting emotional and pissed at me for it. ffs. it's a waste of your breath and fucking mine.
and you know what? it's getting to that point where i don't even care what i say anymore. if i hurt you, this is for every damn one now, i don't give a shit. i'm too tired of editing, revising, and being recklessly stupid as a result.
in my own way i love you - i love you trina, i love you jason, i love you endless other friends that mean the world to me, and even the stupid people like Faara because in their own way they all keep me sane, tho faara is going FUCKING DOWN if she is attempting to do what i think she is attempting to do. i will srsly push her in front of a train.
try me betch.
back to the point of this extremely long rant.
and if you know me like you think you do,
this is not even fucking half of the thoughts floating in my damn head.
i'm EDITING.
ffs.
i'm not cussing out the people or throwing others under the bus. perhaps my last post was a little...eh, over the top, but it was the truth. i'm sick and tired of loving people for no goddamn reason and ending up bitch slapped by their rejection. i don't need it and in the words of justin, trina, my parents, my friends, "i don't deserve it...one day they'll regret it."
i'm just everyone's last regret.
the thing they had but tossed aside.
i'm like a pair of old socks that you throw in the corner and suddenly on those days you forgot to do laundry and need socks, i'm suddenly there....bad analogy...but obviously true.
i hope that everyone looks at this. really i do. and i hope they say something to me. i hope they quote me. i hope they ridicule my words. i hope they walk up and slap me TUESDAY. i hope that they fucking spread nasty rumors over the school, the community i live in, on a blimp. i hope that they hate me, i hope that they vocalize it, i hope that they post a bulletin in response, i hope that they stay up thinking what a selfish, impulsive, dumb bitch i am. i really do. i hope that with every ounce of my being that they do that. because you know fucking what, if that's the closest i can get for recongnition for sparking some sort of emotion in someone, sure.
try me.
just don't pussy out and hide behind screen names and keyboards. come in the real world and tell me i fucking saaaaaaak. come in the real world and tell me why you hate me, why you love me, why you need me, and why you never could stand me.
tell me why i'm annoying, why i'm pretty, why i'm smart, and why i'm completely naive or obnoxious in the words of Faara.
try me.
what do i honestly have to lose? and no, that's not saying that i have nothing.
I HAVE MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I HAD.
but the funny thing is, all that crap i could lose, i no longer have. everything i own is mine, people who would stand behind me rain shine or other wise, friends i can rely on for continuous strength and a shoulder to cry on. try to take that away from me. i think they'd hurt you before i could.
>=]
i'm passionate, i'm happy, and i'm not letting shit stand in my way. i'm to tired of all this drama, all these stupid IM's where people can't fucking say what they fucking mean, but can tell this friend to tell that friend to tell my friend to tell my best friend to mention to me.
this elementary school shit stops here.
i'm not allowing it.
i'm not encouraging it.
im just as alive as all you, still have emotions. perhaps i fly off the handle, perhaps i'm still a bit stubborn, and perhaps i'm dramatic, melodramatic, and probably saaaaaak.
so think about it.
how do u'd feel if u were in my position huh?
would u be in 100% control over everything?
yea, i'm happy.
sure.
but i hurt.
sometimes a lot.
sometimes a little.
sometimes it's just a little voice in the back of my head.
or just a reminder, like a post-it-note on my brain.
but yes, i hurt.
i've been hurt a lot in the last perhaps, 8 months now?
almost a year i believe.
and i'm not blaming those two people.
i hurt mehself a lot too.
my family hurt meand a lot of other people i love hurt me too.
so where would you be in this circumstance?
i always put myself in ur shoes before i open my mouth nearly 75% of the time, and yes sometimes i DO purposely HURT you. yes. that is my goal sometimes. yes. sadistic maybe, but perhaps there's a REASON. maybe if your hurt you might realize something.maybe the more i hurt you the more you'll come to your senses and realize,"hey...i kinda...hurt her a bit didn't i?"..........yea.
youdid.
you all did.
but it's okey now.
well.
i'm not gunna justify any actions that really faaaaked me up.
because they can never
and will never be justified.
there's no reasoning that could ever make a wrong a right besides perception and perspective and you can never make me see a right wrong, a wrong right, just as you can't make me turn black into white and red into yellow.but to look beyond the colors, the whole justice of it all,it's silly.
no, NO, it's NOT funny, the pain isn't FUNNY the situation, as ironic as it is, ISN'T FUNNY.the whole point that i'm still worrying about it, still crying about it in my spare times, and find myself under that, YEA, THAT'S SILLYit's a waste of time.
i could be studying italian or latin or math or ela or history in that time.
roflmao
i've made my "new year's resolution" at this moment.
i'm becomings successful. i'm STRIVING for that. srsly. i wanna go to a good college. I want to probably unless something drastically changes, major in english. I want to make 3029509283569028469-2139853215239523 dollars WRITING roflmao! and i want, more than anything, just to BE someone. and love, and romance, MAKES ME NOTHING. it blinds me. it's stupid and it's a waste of my time.
i'm not saying that i've closed off my heart from love.lmao, i can't. he still has it and always will in a way.but i'm not looking.
it can find me
faaaaak that....this is something i'm not going to forget. i'll probably keep a copy of this, print it out, tack it to my wall...this is everything closed up.
closure.
i'm good now.
there are still strong impulses to yell and scream and cry and throw a tantrum, but the sweetest revenge is to show them that i can deal. that i can be happy. and i can pretend that nothing happened.
two can play the same game.
it's not a one way street.
ms.stuppard said something in history that made me inspired:"the first shall be last and the last shall be first"but also"the pen is mightier than the sword."
another teacher inspired me, miss louis de pointe. she said something along the lines of:"they can because they think they can."
and finally,our headmistress herself, lynn mooney-teta. i can't quote her directly, but i know that her "goal" for all of us in BLS is to find something that impassions us, that makes us excited to wake up the next day, and to find meaning in our lives.
i've decided my meaning.
i'm going to find beauty in the world.and i found what impassions me - my meaning
and being able to wake up with a smile is what excites me in the morning
being able to be with love ones is what i keep living for.
and that
is all folks

I'll Cut You

2008-10-12T17:30:00.000-07:00
[Sun Oct 12 2008 06:57:19 PM] XxAznJingxX:
.
[Sun Oct 12 2008 06:57:29 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: lolwut?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 06:57:30 PM] XxAznJingxX:
i laugh at u bitchh lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 06:57:35 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ouch lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:02:34 PM] XxAznJingxX:
.
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:02:35 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA:
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:02:51 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: !
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:16:17 PM] XxAznJingxX:
.
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:16:26 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ...
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:16:27 PM] XxAznJingxX:
i laugh at u bitchh lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:17:59 PM] XxAznJingxX:
?.?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:18:10 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: wut do u want phil?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:18:11 PM] XxAznJingxX:
i laugh at u bitchh lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:18:25 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: -sighs and shakes head-
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:23:09 PM] XxAznJingxX:
y
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:23:39 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: because ur a ridiculous ass?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:23:40 PM] XxAznJingxX:
i laugh at u bitchh lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:24:06 PM] XxAznJingxX:
i aint no donkey u take that back!
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:24:29 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: -.-
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:24:32 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: okay
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:24:39 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ur a ridiculous bastard?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:24:40 PM] XxAznJingxX:
XxAznJingxX (7:25:00 PM): yea u queero !x chiggah who (7:25:16 PM): deeeeffff . lol i lauigh at chrissy =]
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:25:29 PM] XxAznJingxX:
my fathers dead u take that back !
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:25:44 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: uhm, no?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:26:52 PM] XxAznJingxX:
u take that no back!
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:27:04 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: -.-
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:27:21 PM] XxAznJingxX:
take yo life back!
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:27:52 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: no?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:28:30 PM] XxAznJingxX:
u chick pox
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:30:12 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: no
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:33:12 PM] XxAznJingxX:
me and romano r best friends
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:33:41 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: go figure right? lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:33:42 PM] XxAznJingxX:
x chiggah who (7:30:13 PM): yu'd vebeen doingthat for a while . XxAznJingxX (7:25:00 PM): yea u queero !x chiggah who (7:25:16 PM): deeeeffff . lol i lauigh at you MORE chrissy =]
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:33:52 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: hope ya'll have like
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:33:54 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: an
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:34:01 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: "I hate Patricia" club going on
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:34:02 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: like
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:34:05 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: membership rings
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:34:08 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: and a theme song
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:34:13 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: nd everything lmfao
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:35:14 PM] XxAznJingxX:
wow ur queer
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:35:25 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: lmfao wow ur fucking queer
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:35:28 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: really lol[
Sun Oct 12 2008 07:36:09 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: what else do u want me to say?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:46:48 PM] XxAznJingxX:
hows that pen15
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:46:59 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: wha?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:47:15 PM] XxAznJingxX:
the one down ur throat
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:47:31 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: -.-
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:47:53 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: wtf is wrong?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:47:58 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: how'd did i piss you off
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:47:59 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: now
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:00 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ffs
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:16 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: i hardly say a goddamn thing to u and all u have to say to me is ridicule and derision ffs
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:16 PM] XxAznJingxX:
ur not
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:17 PM] XxAznJingxX:
lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:35 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: omigod
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:44 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: >.>;
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:46 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: why
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:47 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: do i bother
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:50 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: trying to hold
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:54 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: a conversation
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:55 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: no
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:48:57 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: scratch that
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:49:00 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: why do i bother
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:49:01 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: period
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:49:40 PM] XxAznJingxX:
eww u bother ur period wtf thats not normal
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:49:57 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ur prolly gunna give me premature meopause
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:50:00 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: fuck periods
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:50:03 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: immature
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:51:26 PM] XxAznJingxX:
yes u r
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:51:31 PM] XxAznJingxX:
big words dont make u mature btw
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:51:46 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: i never said it did
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:51:51 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: i never assumed i was
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:51:55 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: assuming is a bad thing phil[
Sun Oct 12 2008 07:53:18 PM] XxAznJingxX:
ass u me ing wth thats makes no sense smart one
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:53:34 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ....
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:54:30 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: *to assume is a bad thing phil
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:54:32 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: happy?
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:54:42 PM] XxAznJingxX:
ass u me stil doesnt make sense
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:01 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: when u assume
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:11 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: u make an ASS out of U and ME
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:12 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ...
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:15 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: why[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:33 PM] XxAznJingxX:
no
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:36 PM] XxAznJingxX:
ass u me
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:46 PM] XxAznJingxX:
there not words inbetween thenm
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:55:58 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: okay
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:56:01 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: whatever u say dear
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:56:20 PM] XxAznJingxX:
or else it would be " to umakeanASSoutofUandME is a bad thing phil"
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:56:24 PM] XxAznJingxX:
but u said assume soo..
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:56:38 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: whatever u want
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:56:43 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: >.>;
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:56:58 PM] XxAznJingxX:
stop looking through windows
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:57:19 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: whatever u want -.-
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:57:53 PM] XxAznJingxX:
girls
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:58:06 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ha like u have a problem in that department[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:58:09 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: roflmao[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:58:51 PM] XxAznJingxX:
yeaa seeing how i went out with u
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:58:52 PM] XxAznJingxX:
BURN
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:59:06 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: yea i will admit
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:59:08 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: desperate
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:59:10 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: much? lol
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:59:13 PM] XxAznJingxX:
nope
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:59:17 PM] XxAznJingxX:
they call it rebounds
[Sun Oct 12 2008 07:59:29 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: awl the same to me
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:01 PM] XxAznJingxX:
cept u cant spell
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:39 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: yea i r very retarded
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:42 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: i fucking dated u
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:43 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: i still
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:46 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: fucking talk to u
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:48 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: i see
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:51 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: the retardation in that
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:00:53 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: -.-
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:01:12 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: "oo burn"
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:01:58 PM] XxAznJingxX:
wow ur still talking u have no life
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:02:26 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: nope i don't
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:02:27 PM] XxAznJingxX:
x chiggah who (7:30:13 PM): yu'd vebeen doingthat for a while . XxAznJingxX (7:25:00 PM): yea u queero !x chiggah who (7:25:16 PM): deeeeffff . lol i lauigh at you MORE chrissy =]
[Sun Oct 12 2008 08:02:29 PM] OOKAMIxNINJA: ^__^

BLOCKED

Lost

2008-10-12T09:00:00.000-07:00
We had once walked in leisurely steps/marching to an unknown regal beat/hands attached, embroidered together/eyes never wavering from dreamy glances
However, unbeknownst to me,/you had seen something ahead more valuable,/eyes avert in scorning guilt,/you hastened, jerked away
I attempted to anchor myself into the sand,/vehement in my attempt to pull you back/and yet your determination was strict I fell to the ground in tears,/tasting sour on my tongue/I had licked my wounds clean, reveling in the electric pain/watched them heal with blackened eyes
Unsteady, like a foal on wobbly legs, I stood/unwillingly my body hesitantly advanced/searching blindly for a familiar shadow,/that feel over the horizon - a burning starI had gained momentum, jog, run, strive, trip, fall/my legs were damaged - my eyes were frenzied/my heart had given up faith
And in this calamity he appeared - a swift wind/he lifted me, carried me,/arms tender warm - eyes dark, sinful with betrayal,/a traitor, a pretence
My skin was thickened from my scabs/my mind rejected pain/A numb martyr in his arms,/eyes closed from realities lost doors
My weight was unbearable,/and so I crashed unwillingly from a haven /I tumbled through colors, tastes, smells and stoodI walked farther than I had imaged possible/eyes chastised on the eternal road/you meant little then/and yet my mind had wandered - masochistic in origin
Thoughts danced wickedly /almost consuming my morals and filled me with hope/I scolded my eyes, scolded my heart - forward march!/and shivered in the approaching cold - bare skinned Now your figure darkens my horizon/your mind ignorant to my struggles/the path I had marked with endless footsteps
You’re haggard and broken- confused and lost/I walk in step behind you, a silent plague/too far to touch/too close to speak
I watch, blood boiling/trying to override the evident joy and pain in this reunion/while my hand flexes, wanting so much to grab yours,/take this world by storm together
Yet you shall reject me,/push me away and abuse me/it’s obvious on the tasteless windYou walk on/unbeknownst to my presence, my struggle/you never were clairvoyant - never were perceptive/and in this laid your fears
In your shadow I hide,/living in this world of endless night and frozen rain/stabbing into my palms/filling me with pain that spread with wildfire like eagerness
I am not your messiah,/your sacrifice, /your regret
Impossible to escape/you never change pace/shivering violently, angrily/I hasten, walk, run, fly ahead of you
Not once do I turn for your expression/eyes trained forward - FORWARD MARCH!/with heartbroken relief,/I overcome your grasp of time