....oyvey....the strangest thing occured to me at this moment.
how many people have i hurt online by vocalizing, or in this case, typing, out rants or emotions because i'm mad, or venting, or just simply trying to pass the time?and then.in the same breath.
how many people have hurt ME online by LYING...CHEATING...GOSSIPING...RANTING...by completely throwing me off balance, virtually beating me in the face with a club?
and how come no one seems to take this food for thought when they read what I write anymore? do people actually believe that I'm just random? no. I'm not fucking random. I just have a wicked long fuse to the ticking bomb in the back of my mind. This is why I'm quiet, why it takes me five years to cry over something, why I laugh in the middle of silence at something stupid that happened a week ago, tho that statement has been recklessly abused by stupid ppl.
you know what really hurts? explainations.
i feel as if I have to explain myself so many fucking times and the sad reality is the people who know me, who think they know me, know shit about me in actuallity. they assume. and when i offer that explaination they turn me away.
what's the point?
srsly.
if you don't get what i'm saying don't even bother getting emotional and pissed at me for it. ffs. it's a waste of your breath and fucking mine.
and you know what? it's getting to that point where i don't even care what i say anymore. if i hurt you, this is for every damn one now, i don't give a shit. i'm too tired of editing, revising, and being recklessly stupid as a result.
in my own way i love you - i love you trina, i love you jason, i love you endless other friends that mean the world to me, and even the stupid people like Faara because in their own way they all keep me sane, tho faara is going FUCKING DOWN if she is attempting to do what i think she is attempting to do. i will srsly push her in front of a train.
try me betch.
back to the point of this extremely long rant.
and if you know me like you think you do,
this is not even fucking half of the thoughts floating in my damn head.
i'm EDITING.
ffs.
i'm not cussing out the people or throwing others under the bus. perhaps my last post was a little...eh, over the top, but it was the truth. i'm sick and tired of loving people for no goddamn reason and ending up bitch slapped by their rejection. i don't need it and in the words of justin, trina, my parents, my friends, "i don't deserve it...one day they'll regret it."
i'm just everyone's last regret.
the thing they had but tossed aside.
i'm like a pair of old socks that you throw in the corner and suddenly on those days you forgot to do laundry and need socks, i'm suddenly there....bad analogy...but obviously true.
i hope that everyone looks at this. really i do. and i hope they say something to me. i hope they quote me. i hope they ridicule my words. i hope they walk up and slap me TUESDAY. i hope that they fucking spread nasty rumors over the school, the community i live in, on a blimp. i hope that they hate me, i hope that they vocalize it, i hope that they post a bulletin in response, i hope that they stay up thinking what a selfish, impulsive, dumb bitch i am. i really do. i hope that with every ounce of my being that they do that. because you know fucking what, if that's the closest i can get for recongnition for sparking some sort of emotion in someone, sure.
try me.
just don't pussy out and hide behind screen names and keyboards. come in the real world and tell me i fucking saaaaaaak. come in the real world and tell me why you hate me, why you love me, why you need me, and why you never could stand me.
tell me why i'm annoying, why i'm pretty, why i'm smart, and why i'm completely naive or obnoxious in the words of Faara.
try me.
what do i honestly have to lose? and no, that's not saying that i have nothing.
I HAVE MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I HAD.
but the funny thing is, all that crap i could lose, i no longer have. everything i own is mine, people who would stand behind me rain shine or other wise, friends i can rely on for continuous strength and a shoulder to cry on. try to take that away from me. i think they'd hurt you before i could.
>=]
i'm passionate, i'm happy, and i'm not letting shit stand in my way. i'm to tired of all this drama, all these stupid IM's where people can't fucking say what they fucking mean, but can tell this friend to tell that friend to tell my friend to tell my best friend to mention to me.
this elementary school shit stops here.
i'm not allowing it.
i'm not encouraging it.
im just as alive as all you, still have emotions. perhaps i fly off the handle, perhaps i'm still a bit stubborn, and perhaps i'm dramatic, melodramatic, and probably saaaaaak.
so think about it.
how do u'd feel if u were in my position huh?
would u be in 100% control over everything?
yea, i'm happy.
sure.
but i hurt.
sometimes a lot.
sometimes a little.
sometimes it's just a little voice in the back of my head.
or just a reminder, like a post-it-note on my brain.
but yes, i hurt.
i've been hurt a lot in the last perhaps, 8 months now?
almost a year i believe.
and i'm not blaming those two people.
i hurt mehself a lot too.
my family hurt meand a lot of other people i love hurt me too.
so where would you be in this circumstance?
i always put myself in ur shoes before i open my mouth nearly 75% of the time, and yes sometimes i DO purposely HURT you. yes. that is my goal sometimes. yes. sadistic maybe, but perhaps there's a REASON. maybe if your hurt you might realize something.maybe the more i hurt you the more you'll come to your senses and realize,"hey...i kinda...hurt her a bit didn't i?"..........yea.
youdid.
you all did.
but it's okey now.
well.
i'm not gunna justify any actions that really faaaaked me up.
because they can never
and will never be justified.
there's no reasoning that could ever make a wrong a right besides perception and perspective and you can never make me see a right wrong, a wrong right, just as you can't make me turn black into white and red into yellow.but to look beyond the colors, the whole justice of it all,it's silly.
no, NO, it's NOT funny, the pain isn't FUNNY the situation, as ironic as it is, ISN'T FUNNY.the whole point that i'm still worrying about it, still crying about it in my spare times, and find myself under that, YEA, THAT'S SILLYit's a waste of time.
i could be studying italian or latin or math or ela or history in that time.
roflmao
i've made my "new year's resolution" at this moment.
i'm becomings successful. i'm STRIVING for that. srsly. i wanna go to a good college. I want to probably unless something drastically changes, major in english. I want to make 3029509283569028469-2139853215239523 dollars WRITING roflmao! and i want, more than anything, just to BE someone. and love, and romance, MAKES ME NOTHING. it blinds me. it's stupid and it's a waste of my time.
i'm not saying that i've closed off my heart from love.lmao, i can't. he still has it and always will in a way.but i'm not looking.
it can find me
faaaaak that....this is something i'm not going to forget. i'll probably keep a copy of this, print it out, tack it to my wall...this is everything closed up.
closure.
i'm good now.
there are still strong impulses to yell and scream and cry and throw a tantrum, but the sweetest revenge is to show them that i can deal. that i can be happy. and i can pretend that nothing happened.
two can play the same game.
it's not a one way street.
ms.stuppard said something in history that made me inspired:"the first shall be last and the last shall be first"but also"the pen is mightier than the sword."
another teacher inspired me, miss louis de pointe. she said something along the lines of:"they can because they think they can."
and finally,our headmistress herself, lynn mooney-teta. i can't quote her directly, but i know that her "goal" for all of us in BLS is to find something that impassions us, that makes us excited to wake up the next day, and to find meaning in our lives.
i've decided my meaning.
i'm going to find beauty in the world.and i found what impassions me - my meaning
and being able to wake up with a smile is what excites me in the morning
being able to be with love ones is what i keep living for.
and that
is all folks
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