Una

ugh. today was so retardedly epic it's sad. lol.
actually it was a long, boring day of me being wicked proactive and like,
DUN DUN DAAA
organizing. gah right? loool
i organized like awl my binders, finished my homework, typed up more work extracurricularly, worked on my project which is due like weeks from now, and even updated my allpoetry site so i don't have to for a while...
ew
and now i'm going to diet and get awl actively. i'm going to wake up early tomorrow and take a walk -snort- and i'm supposed to be a on a diet, like three square meals a day and a snack bar for ONE snack.
ewx2
this is repulsing me, lol.
i think that i'm just trying to like, build up my confidence so that when i go and blow 392856924865498635906835 dollars on a freakin' corset (yes, hot topic owns) i don't A, feel fat or B, feel like i wasted money.
isn't that spectacular.
the harder i work the more i don't feel like i wasted my money and the happier i am overall. i think that the harder i attempt to fool myself the easier I'll be fooled.
who knows, maybe it'll work for once?
speaking of fooling myself,
gah
you know how they say that you never get over your first love? ew. i hate that. i wish that i never did like, fall in love, because i don't want to feel like i belong to someone who doesn't even fucking want me continuing to BREATHE. do you know how much it hurts to know he doesn't even acknowledge me and that basically it's MY fault right? I told him i didn't want to be friends because i'm not going to suffer through that. i can't pretend. i've never been a good actress. and so if i can't pretend and put on a smile for him, how will that make him feel (saying that he would give a damn if i decided to jump off a building nyway...he didn't really take me srsly when i told him i wanted to kill myself....dumb fucker >.>;)?
but that's just become a small little melodrama that appears only when he walks by, or someone mentions him in front of me. i wish everyone would just forget about him.
like they did about me.
or maybe i should just forget?
but how do u forget images that are printed behind your eyelids? blink and u see it. sleep and you see it. it's maddening after a while.
whatever. pssh. when i go and drop off awl this stupid weight i'll be one hot mama and have the men at my feet.
wow how shallow did that sound for a moment?
speaking of shallow....
i didn't even have a real thought held behind that after all
hehe
just felt like inserting that right here.
grandmother's still in rehab. not that i mind. i mean, i think it's better off this way, even though i feel for her. if i was in her position i would have killed myself a long time ago. why should anyone suffer this much unnessecarily? i've always believed in doctor death's practice - if you're going to die shortly, why delay it?
and then the sick little voice in my head pipes in. because we love her.
it's true, i do love her. for fucks sake she's my grandmother but i just can't take it anymore. i can't even cry at the prospect of losing my GRANDMOTHER the woman who partly RAISED ME anymore because she's already almost died...-begins counting on fingers and loses count...-
FUCK I KNOW AT LEAST 29q4295-96420425 doctors!
ahhh!
the only part that is going to eventually bother me is the fact that my mother/grandfather are going to take this really hard and i don't think i can deal with their depression. i love them to death - i can't see them hurt.
ugh.
lame.
i wish i could just have some sort of stable shoulder to lie on, someone i can just tell all this to and not be judged....not a pity story. someone who doesn't think i'm crazy, LOL. someone who would take walks with me and would totally diet with me.
maybe i just need an uber best friend.
maybe i just need stability.
maybe i just need a guy in my life who won't just walk out on me anymore....
my mom has been blaming herself for that fact. looking as it from a psychiatrist's (or however you spell it) perspective, this isn't abnormal. my father was an abusive asshole son of a bitch who walked out on my mom numerous times before she walked out on him. ever since she's been dating on and off with all these guys overseas. i would hardly know them before they were gone and i was expected to call them daddy and invite them into my lives as the stranger on the phone who one day would take me away from this damned house and would live happily ever after with. ew. she would give them money and the world in a heart shaped box and eventually they would mail it back to her smelling of female perfume. and the circle danced around and around. eventually she found future step-dad. and to be honest, he's okay. i think she deserves better. she always will deserve better because she's my mother ffs. he's annoying and sometimes i don't want him around me and i would prefer if he didn't want to be my father.
see how this makes sense?
so when i go ass over head over face over heels in love with someone what do i do?
here's my checklist:
1. fall in love (duh.)
2. give up everything for this guy because obviously you're a FUCKING IDIOT YOU DUMB BITCH
ahem.
3. eventually push guy away
4. realize that you threw out friends/family for this guy
5. friends/fam dumps you
6. guy dumps you
7. you scramble to pick up the pieces. beg everyone for their forgiveness
cept
the words never come out right
anger mixes with depression with loneliness and sadness and it chokes out into these bipolar words that don't even sound like you and suddenly guy thinks you should see a shrink.
you know you're not crazy, everyone else knows this, but your lips say something else. you're so sad, can't even cry, feel so broken. and you wanna just hide your face into the warmth of his neck and say that you had a bad nightmare and to ask him to fix you again but he can't anymore.
unlike him, friends and family (the good kind of course) are there to pick you up and shake off the dust and say you're okay.
but you're really not so you pretend anyway.
and tada. step 8.
you're here with regrets wondering what you did wrong.
he never said why.
neither of them did.
but only one really mattered
so you fool yourself into thinking.
idk.
idk.
idk,
IDK.
>.>;
and i would love to meet someone who did.
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